wait.
You Might Also Like
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??