I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?