If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
In Canada they just call them geese
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.