The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
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I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Risking my life for fun.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.