I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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Britain be like
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.