My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
This is my emotional support knife.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.