*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
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On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently