My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.