This woman is my idol. Free her.
You Might Also Like
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.