I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Vodka burrito was a success
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?