@XplodingUnicorn I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
@momjeansplease I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@msmollybee25 I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
@ericsshadow [guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
@SummerSongGirl If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
@HaliPhacks Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
@13spencer Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
@Eastlows Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
@MomOnFire Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
@KalvinMacleod [funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
@SavageDabs69 Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.