I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

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I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.


I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?


[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me


If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something


Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.


Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”


Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up


Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.


ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.


Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.