Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.