I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Whoa 😂
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”