I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
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[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation