I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
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Perfect.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Very problematic
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”