*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
You Might Also Like
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
How did we not see this back then?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.