my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
respect
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My neck my back my allergy attack
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.