There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break