@Ygrene Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
@Book_Krazy Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
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@Ygrene 
@noog Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:
1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.
@68Cly29 The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
@No_1BullshitGuy Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
@rn_murse he’s sick of your bullshit today
@LurkAtHomeMom If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
@ashmensch *Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
@Just__J0 Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
@LuckoftheDraw86 Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
@JohnLyonTweets Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.