Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.