I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.