Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Worst bar ever.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The hardest thing Vision has to do
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.