I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*