Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
courtroom exchange of the day
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.