I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.