Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I know this now 😂
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this