HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do