i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
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4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.