Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
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You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.