Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
You Might Also Like
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.