*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Comparing yourself to others
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught