Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
![]()
You Might Also Like
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Lassie, get help!
![]()
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
![]()
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
![]()
He a real one for that
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.