Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
You Might Also Like
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Hank is one in a melon.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness