7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]