I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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Them: Just act casual
Me:![]()
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
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Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.