“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
You Might Also Like
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
As the Lord intended
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME