As the Lord intended
You Might Also Like
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.