When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl