date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
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“Huge”.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Home #decor warning.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.