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*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Doggies just call it style.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?