There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
You Might Also Like
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Don’t tell me what to do
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel