When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Time heals everything 🙂
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
is this store having a stroke wtf
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”