I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
WHY?!
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.