Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.