I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
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Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Matt Goss
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
At least my masseuse has my back.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.