My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
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[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts