Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
next level snooze
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”