Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
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told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.