“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.