i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Thanks to a fan for this one!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Life cycle of cat
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.