I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
You Might Also Like
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Watson was Holmes schooled
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
how long have you had this for?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit