I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
