I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale