My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.