Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.