A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!