One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
You Might Also Like
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING